someone just kill miyuki already

[pickoffs]

everyone thinks you’re dating someone other than me, and you’re worried this will strain our relationship, but you’re also mad because every time you voice these concerns I suggest a threesome AU

Nabe, c'mon... [ don't pout, he doesn't say, because he has enough self-preservation not to. he does, however, rest his hand at the small of nabe's back and lean around him with his most winning smile. ]

I was kidding! [ kind of, anyway. never mind that he does this all the time. any time someone comments that nori and nabe are looking suspiciously close, he just nods along and lets it go until they're (mostly) alone. (kuramochi being around counts as mostly alone, whatever he might say about it.) the visual - nabe and nori smiling at each other - always makes his heart thump a little. if going after nori meant giving up the best thing that's ever happened to him, he wouldn't do it, but if it didn't - if he could, somehow, have both - then, well. he's been handed a miracle or two in his life before.

thankfully, his reputation for being a shithead protects him from suspicion at times like this! or something. ]

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[minutia]

[If there was one thing he's learned from being in a relationship with Miyuki, is that things never really change-- for better or worse. This was one of the bad moments. It isn't that it was the first time it's happened, otherwise Hisashi wouldn't be this annoyed. It's just that...]

I know you were.

[He says, pursing his lips together, the touch that usually helps calm him down serving little to no purpose since he's still mad. He knows how people sees it, with the way he and Nori interact. He's been able to talk to Nori more lately, help him see the things he needed to improve on. It warms his heart to help him, know that he's relied on and that he can do something for the pitcher, but the amount of time he's been spending with Nori has increased and it's-- It wasn't as if he's ever not considered dating Nori, which was part of the problem, and maybe that's why he's so bothered by the nonchalance Miyuki shows about the concern.

Not that he would break up with him because of that-- As if he could even bring himself to do that when despite all his faults, Miyuki was still... But sometimes he does wonder if Miyuki listened to himself.]

I'm being serious here. [He eventually sighs, shoulders sagging.] You know it's nothing like that, right?

[pickoffs]

[ kazuya's hand on nabe's back slides up his spine. ] Then don't make that face.

[ the frowning one, he means. he is screwing around, but nabe takes things a lot more seriously than he does all the time anyway... kazuya drops his arm to reach for nabe's wrist, and he turns them face to face, finding nabe's hands and curling his fingers over his palms. he still looks like he's flattening out a smirk, but he meets nabe's eye and speaks up, firmly. ]

I trust you, you know.

[ he's an asshole and doesn't deserve nabe. he knows it. he worries more often that he'd like to admit that nabe is going to figure it out and know it, too. but however cruel he's been, nabe's always answered him with kindness. ]

[minutia]

Sorry.

[It's an automatic, though sincere, response, and where he might not have been sated by the earlier contact, the touch of hands allow him to ease up a little, and he feels embarrassed that he could worry so much about Miyuki's nonchalance. Most people would be happy that their lover could trust them like that, he thinks, and he takes Miyuki's hands in his and lace their fingers together as a sign of assurance that he understand.

Though the root of the problem, he realizes, is just exactly what Miyuki teases about.]

I know that. I just... [He pauses, and he wonders if-- that would sound accusatory. It's not meant to be, not really, but the fact that Miyuki's put the idea in his head has him actually thinking about it sometimes, and that was dangerous.]

Never mind. It's really silly.

[pickoffs]

[ nabe's move brings more relief than he'd admit, but it's a better sign than any of his frowning. he shakes his head, quiet, at the apology. he knows nabe means it, but he doesn't think there's anything really to be sorry for. his mouth opens like he's going to say something, but when nabe plays off whatever he'd been saying, he shuts it again. curiously, he stares at nabe more closely, head tilting. nabe's acting kind of... not shifty, not quite, but uncomfortable, and he'd even thought about saying something, so it must be something he thinks needs to come out into the open.

his grip on nabe's fingers pulses tighter. his own reassurance, this time. ] If it's really silly, then you should say it.

[ he's said that before, hasn't he? last time was about baseball, though - hopefully he can handle it better, this time around. ]

[minutia]

['You should say it' was easier said than done, especially for Hisashi, whose secrets were things that have only ever caused him more trouble than help to hold in. It was easy for others to think he's selfless, with the way he acts, but secrets were his own way of selfishly believing things will be fine if he doesn't say things... even when things have yet to prove that true. He's not as good as Miyuki was at those, and the fact that he can tell almost immediately gives him the same mixed feelings.

Fear? Anxiety? Hope? The last one is always the most dangerous, and he knows he can convince himself that things are fine if he just avoids saying it, but eventually... Nothing that comes in mind really sounds right as an excuse, and he doesn't want Miyuki to think he doesn't trust him by avoiding it.

Despite all this, he doesn't really say anything-- not even with the assurance. Instead, he looks down, at their intertwined hands, berating himself mentally for mentioning it. This isn't baseball, and that was already scary enough-- this was possibly ruining a relationship because of dangerous thoughts. He tugs Miyuki a little closer, resting his head against his shoulder, in a quiet attempt to find solace as he debates what's the best course of action.]

[pickoffs]

[ it's definitely not something silly, not from the way nabe looks at their hands (very real reminder they're in this together), not from the way he doesn't say anything, not from the tension on his face he's trying to suppress. he's still not very good at this, but he's learning. when nabe tugs, he goes with it, untangling one hand to drop it across nabe's shoulders.

what the hell could possibly have nabe so nervous? did he think - did he think something about kazuya and nori, maybe? nabe thinks, overthinks, as often as kazuya provokes someone into yelling at him. of course, in this case he'd be a little right - he wouldn't be seeing anything that's not already there, anyway. but it doesn't really matter what it is, does it? if he's shut himself up about it now, how much as he thought about it before this? ]

You don't have to. But it might make you feel a little better if you do.

[ there's always that worry it won't, and doesn't he know that, but he hasn't figured out a counter for that yet. ]

[minutia]

[It was a tempting offer to take, he'd admit that much. He's almost willing to, but he doesn't, because-- well, that's no different from running away from it. Delaying the problem doesn't solve it, and if Hisashi wants Miyuki to trust him...]

It's just-- Sometimes I feel you're serious about it.

[He pauses, then-- no, that's not exactly it. Well, admittedly, he does think that, but that's not why he was bringing it up. Miyuki's made it clear he hadn't thought Hisashi would ever cheat, so rather than that, it's more like...]

Have you actually considered it before...? [Like he has?]

[pickoffs]

[ He freezes, for the space of a few heartbeats. The question he didn't especially want to answer, laid right out where he can't exactly wiggle his way out of it. ]

I... [ Oh, that sounds bad. ]

Uh. I mean. [ Nervous, with fake levity: ] Am I about to get in trouble for fantasizing?

[ He swallows, tilting his head to lay his chin against Nabe's hair, untangling their fingers to wrap his arms tight around his shoulders. ]

I'm--I'm in--[ Nope, okay, the words in love with you are too much right now-- ] I like you too much for it to be that serious.

[ A deep breath. ] But, I mean, I... kinda? If it wasn't gonna mess us up.

[ Because any idle fantasies about Nori, sweet as they are, are a hard sell if it means no more Nabe. ]

[minutia]

[Well... whether or not he can reassure him that he won't get mad was moot when Miyuki manages to answer quickly enough. Much too quickly for Hisashi's liking, as he hadn't even actually prepared himself to ask the question, much less hear the answer for it.

There's a momentary pause at the response as Hisashi looks at him, processing what's been said and trying to picture it in his head. It's easy to conjure feelings of jealousy, something he found out from dating Miyuki. After all, he'd be lying if he didn't say part of his attraction towards him was his looks, like many of the girls in their school, aside from everything else he loved about him. So, for a moment, there's uneasiness that grips him at the mention of fantasizing, and he has to remind himself that jumping to conclusions was not a solution and that he needs to listen to the rest of it to properly judge.

As well as hear between the lines.

He has to take note of the little things, the sound of his voice, the actions exchanged when he can't see his face, and he hums softly in response, thinking it over.]

Well... I can't say I'm not even a little mad. [He says, slowly and deliberately, as if he's still trying to find the right words for it. He keeps his hold on Miyuki, careful not to give him any reason to think he'd want to break up because of that. He really doesn't.] But I'm glad you told me.

[pickoffs]

[ He winces. He'd figured he was going to hear that, and he knows it's well deserved, but it churns in his stomach, settling like iron in his sternum. His grip falters a fraction like he's preparing to let Nabe step away, but his chin shifts when there's no move to pull away. He'd expected Nabe to put distance between them for admitting that.

One hand finds enough material in Nabe's shirt to hold onto it. It's something physical to hold onto. ]

I'll stop. [ He says it with a serious edge. ] It's not worth upsetting you over.

[ It was only ever an idle thought, not one he'd intended to admit to. And because he's not used to doing it, but he's trying to learn the habit, he makes himself continue: ] I'm sorry.

[minutia]

That's not it.

[He says, and while perhaps in the past he'd have just agreed and let it move on-- he knows he needs to get used to giving his thoughts on the matter more. If he doesn't, he'll cause more misunderstandings. His shoulders sag in relief though, because even if no one else would agree with him about it, Miyuki's been very considerate of him during times like this. It reminds him why he likes him, maybe more than that, though it's a threshold he's not quite ready to jump over.]

I've... been considering it too, if you really wanted to try it.

[There's some delay in how he says that, as if he had to think of whether or not to say it.]

I just wasn't sure if you did.